I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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