I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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