you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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