I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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