at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
accomplished twins. life is a go
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
