Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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