Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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