After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize