I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
