There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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