you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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