At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
