So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
