But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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