farters have to be the big spoon...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
