I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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