Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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