Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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