At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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