p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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