How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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