i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
