life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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