At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
