I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
