you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I AM VODKA MAN
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
