Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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