How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
