Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
