I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
