And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
