I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
