They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
