My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
