god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
