He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
