Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
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