So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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