can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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