How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
