he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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