I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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