it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
