Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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