GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
