Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
