you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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