Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You ruined the universe
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
