i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
