what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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