So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
