How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
