You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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