Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
