Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
