I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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