She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
