I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
