I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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