My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
