Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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