So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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