I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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