Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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