I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
